Part 3: Episode III: Steve the Douche

Welcome back. When last we left our heroine, she had encountered a nasally just hitting puberty Canadian asshole named Steve. Also zombies. With that said, let's continue...

Well, at least she got a handgun out of the dorky encounter.

There's assorted supplies in this area. But most importantly...

A large gate rests nearby. Leading toward this alleged airport perhaps?

But, as this is Resident Evil, there will be an extremely convoluted item fetch quest to actually open it.

Claire heads into the next area, which is dominated by a run-down brick building.

Inside is zombie and supply filled. You've got to wonder how they went from OK to 99% of the population being zombified within about ten minutes. Oh, you zany plot device viruses and your wildly inconsistent infection time, you.

Claire proceeds into the interior of the building

"Hey, Mr. Corpse, if you could not turn into a zombie. That would be great."

Claire spies a diary. In the tradition of Resident Evil mechanics, she is utterly compelled to read it.

Prisoner's Diary

Does anyone actually ever physically write in ellipses? Or ask themselves rhetorical questions in a diary?

Now a sentence ending in a question mark, exclamation point, followed by an ellipse...?! That's just foolishness.

Poor Bob and nameless future/present zombie guy.

Claire tucks away the journal entries and continues on.

"Could you not smash through that window as soon as I collect that ammo? Thanks."

"I'm not making any promises."

"Sorry, lady. I couldn't resist. It's tradition."

"Oh what, some guy try to gun you down with a chain gun and they get a pass. I smash through a window and get knived back to death? Discrimination!"

The zombie that smashed through the window has some firepower behind him. Continuing with the John Woo antics. These have the ability to aim at two different targets at the same time. Which is completely useless 90% of the time. But it's one more bullet for new features in reviews, isn't it?

Claire gathers her new weapons and heads back out

"Hey, thanks for toughing it out."
"No problem, lady."

Finished raiding the building, Claire heads back outside.

A growling emanates from under the stairs slowly stalks forward in first person. It's very spooky, I assure you.

Claire heads round back.

A zombie corpse is dragged beneath the building. It's still very spooky. Is it a zombie corpse or does it just go back to being a regular corpse when dead...?

Claire finishes her eventful trek around the building. There's that shortcut right there, but it's locked with a cheap Ace Hardware padlock and our heroine with no less than three guns is helpless to bypass the lock.

The next zombie infested area has the usual suspects.

This is just the beginning of a long stream of location cockteases like this. It's sort of like Metroid. Only without Spazer beams and Super Missiles and with zombies and hawk emblems.

Claire heads inside the nearby building.

OK...?

You're kidding me...right? You're not actually making me do this. What if I don't listen?

Oh, come on!

I can't believe I have to do this... Even the lighter? Oh...

Claire begrudgingly gives up everything aside from her meager mixed medicinal herbs. For medical purposes, of course. Heading into the next area, she spies yet another little notepad.

User's Manual

"Bull" and "Shit".

If you're guessing if this is somehow related to that emblem missing from earlier, you're one sharp cookie. *takes another shot* Why did I do this game?

Let's see how this silly device works.

Hey! Hunk cameo in the bottom there. The hero of a rather difficult bonus game of Resident Evil 2.

Also starring opposite a giant sentient hunk of Tofu. Yeah...

Well, Claire lacks the materials needed to operate this 1950's sci-fi prop. She moves on to the next area...

More files. Well, at least they're somewhat reasonably placed compared to our last adventure in survival horror...

Fax on the Facility Access Application

Good to see that guy is still getting work after Final Fantasy IX.

That would be the original zombie we encountered. Poor Carl.

Jill Valentine!

Barry Burton!

Rebecca Chambers!

Albert Wesker!

RESIDENT EVIL!

Whoa. Got sidetracked there...

"Not looking at nudie pictures of your brother! Why do you ask, Chair?"

Brilliant deduction.

So, this whole adventure could have basically been avoided if Claire had paid a few hundred bucks to some random hacker to look up records so low level on Umbrella's computer system, that a backroom workstation operated by a moron could easily access it.

Poor Leon. This is the most he gets mentioned the whole span between Resident Evil 2 and Resident Evil 4.

"This whole experience is so going in my blog."

Gee, Steve. Could you have presented any more convenient plot advancement? Anyway, wouldn't it make more sense to contact some manner of authorities and clue them in on the offshore death camp set up by a major corporation. It just might make a few eyebrows raise.

"He's on the front cover!"

Thanks for a display of the definition of

I miss Ashley already...

What zombie and angsty teenager filled perils await Claire next? Tune in to find out in Episode IV: Downtime

Bonus Content

Nobody understands Steve's pain:
Video